* BAK - A Little Nervous
First.. an update on the vertigo. Gone. Totally gone. What a wonderful, freaky thing the body is!! I live with vertigo for two months, someone rolls me around on a table for 20 minutes and viola! Cured.
So, Biking Across Kansas starts this coming Friday. thought I was ready to embark on this 500 mile road ride… I had not had any more incidents where I saw cyclists on the road and broke down into tears… so I thought I was ok.. but today I had to go to my lawyer’s office for the first time since right after the accident.
The insurance for the guy who hit me, they wanted to get a statement from me over the phone and my attorney wanted to be present. So I went in and answered all the interview questions about the accident.
Facts, figures, gory details, pain, injuries etc.. no problem. Then he asked if there was anything else he should know about long term damage. I told him about the “dead zone” between my eyebrow and crown of my head etc.. then I started to tell him about the fact that I am worried about some emotional damage…
I told him about pulling through that intersection that day and seeing a cyclist and having a complete panic attack. I told him my first thought was to make sure the guy was wearing a helmet.. but then that I felt an overwhelming fear take over as I worried about the rider… and that even though I turned in the opposite direction, I became panicked that I was going to run over the cyclist….
As I’m telling him about it, I start crying uncontrollably and having a hard time breathing again… I could barely finish the story.. after we got off the phone I told my lawyer that I am terrified I’m going to have a panic attack on BAK. I don’t see them coming you know.. but all it takes is one tiny trigger and I’m hardly able to function.
Getting a little nervous here.
A good friend recently told me to keep in mind that this BAK is no different than last year. To ride in the same frame of mind as last year, it is no different just because of a freak accident.
That is awesome advice and may be my mantra for that entire week.
Thank you all for listening to me like this when I feel the need to bare my soul a little more. 
Paula
June 4th, 2008 at 4:15 am
Paula:
After I wrecked, I knew that getting on the bike again would be
both mandatory and okay. But like you, there were unexpected
attacks of nerves, and I avoided the stretch of road on which I
fell for months. I always had a good reason to go another way, of
course. One day, I took the route again, with some friends. I
nonchalantly pointed out, this is where it happened, and to my
surprise, I did not crash, get a flat. Nothing. we just kept
pedaling, and then it was no big deal anymore. You had a harder go
by far than I did, but I think you too will dance around the
trigger points in your head for a while, and then suddenly, you’ll
ride right past them, and you’ll be okay. BAK with a group will go
just fine. I hear you are handy with a camera, so I’m waiting for pictures.
Tailwinds!