* Not COMPLETELY Ok
I went to the grocery store a few minutes ago. A routine drive of about two miles. I was fine.. singing along to the radio… and I got to an intersection, a four way stop. There was a cyclist approaching the intersection directly across from me. There were cars approaching the intersection. Everyone stopped.
I had a funny thought go through my head that I was taking note of whether or not the cyclist had on a helmet. (he did) … Everyone proceeded in appropriate fashion, but as the cyclist went through the intersection, my heart started racing, my stomach got tight and by the time I had taken my turn through the intersection I had tears streaming down my face.
I had so many things going through my head. I was terrified for the cyclist, I was feeling like he was in danger. I even had a strange feeling as though I was afraid *I* was going to run over him! I wasn’t even going the same direction as him. He turned North I was going South… but I had this tiny little panic set in like I just knew something horrible was about to happen.
When I got to the store, I sat in the parking lot for a bit trying to collect myself.
After I came out of the store, I started thinking about it again and realized that the weather today is EXACTLY what it was the day of my accident. I wonder if that had something to do with it. It is a misty, dreary, wet and gray day.
I was fine on the drive home… but something about seeing that cyclist really set off my emotions. I swear, I am normally just not that volitile.
On another note, the story of my accident was featured on the Podcast “The Fredcast” (http://www.thefredcast.com) today. That was a little surreal to hear my name mentioned “on air” but if the story had been about anyone else I would have very much appreciated how scary it sounded. It made me think back to the night I got home from Tulsa, the night of the accident, when my son first saw me and asked “Mom, what if you had been killed today? What would happen to me?” I’m a single mom of a 17 year old boy. Yeah, he’s big enough and old enough to get along, but the thought of my son losing his mom really got to me. I would like to find a way to make sure drivers understand the consequences of their actions; but am not sure what that method could be yet. I’ve always thought that when people yell or “buzz” us on the streets that they just don’t think about or realize that we are someone’s mom, sister, brother, father out there just trying to enjoy the world and improve our fitness or maybe just get from point A to point B.
I’m sure there’s a reason for my accident… for my AMAZING lack of long term injury…. and it will be apparent to me in time.
Paula
April 18th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Paula you made the Fredcast!!! I am a regular listener to the Fredcast and listened ; you’re famous!!!! So sorry you had to crash to get there. I do hope you are feeling much better and that the business end of the crash goes smoothly. It amazes me that even when there are bikes everywhere as at a race that we could still be that invisible to a motorist. Again, thanks for raising out awareness by sharing your story.
Terry
April 18th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Paula - Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m a Fredcast listener and that’s how I found you.
April 19th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Hi Paula, Heard about your story on the Fredcast too. Sorry to hear about your accident. Just got back from an 18 mile ride not long ago and had to check out your blog. I best not tell my one friend (also named Paula) about your accident as I’d suspect she’d freak as she has a 17 year old daughter and start thinking about her riding.
Keep on the mend. You’re right, there is a reason for your accident and in good time you’ll know why. Thanks for sharing!
Beth
Gainesville, FL
April 21st, 2008 at 7:14 am
Paula,
What you just described is almost, to a word the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As silly as it may sound, you may want to talk to a mental health doctor about this, because sometimes it does not just go away.
Sounds liek you’re doing better, keep up the good work!
April 25th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Hi Paula,
I saw your post on the Bikemag Forum and thought I’d take a look around. What you described is most certainly post traumatic stress disorder. I’d go talk to a professional. I was in a really bad skiing accident about 15 months ago. I was fine while I was in the hospital, but once I was out and started thinking I would lose it and start balling. A couple times a day for the first few weeks. A few times a week for the next couple months. Now I don’t really lose it, but I still have those small panic attacks every few weeks. It takes a long time to deal with it on the emotional level. Good healing vibes coming your way.
April 29th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Paula, heard about your story on the Fredcast yesterday. Checked out your site, your story is very touching and amazing all at the same time. You’re very fortunate in light of your injuries. I sent a link to many friends cyclist and not so they can tell their friends to tell their friends to start seeing bicycles. I just felt compelled to write and tell you that YOU ROCK! Keep healing!